I always want my blog to be real, but I don't want to get too negative. Hence, my time out.
Just so you know, life is not a box of chocolates, people.
Just yesterday at church alone, I felt like I had to answer the question (heard anything yet?) about a million times. By well meaning people, mind you, and I hope they don't think I'm a freak when my eyes fill with tears. I mean, come on! It's been 16 months since we started this thing. Surely, we've heard something!
I so desperately want to say YES! Yes, and it's good! And I praise the LORD for it! Instead, it's a strained, "not yet, but the Lord is in control, and we're trusting Him...we're weak, but we're trusting. We have trouble getting through a worship service, but we're trusting." And then the poor, pitiful looks...the "I don't know how you do it" comments...I'm just honest. I look at them and I say, "I cry myself to sleep each night." Nights are the hardest.
It was actually said yesterday, "Can you trade your referral in for a baby since he's getting older?" Now....this was a well-meaning individual who happens to know how long I've desired to hold another infant in my arms and claim them as mine. I just looked at them and said, "There's no way I could do that." It's not his fault this is taking forever. It's not his fault that time doesn't stand still. If the Lord brings Joshua home to us, than whatever age he is at that time, that's HIS will. I will love him just the same. The LORD will have to close this door. I do worry about attachment and connections, but if the Lord can bring him home, the Lord can attach his heart to ours.
I only share this to let you in on what it's like to be me. But, I do need a time out. SO, Steve's on days this week and we're hunkering down with a lot of school work, trying to get even more ahead of the game. I have a date with an adoptive mom who waited years to bring her little one home. That will be encouraging. We're planning an early 10 year anniversary trip. My parents will be in next week for Daniel's first piano recital...lots of pleasant diversions.
Pray for us. More than ever. I'll be back. I just need a break.
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2 years ago
5 comments:
Bless you. It is long. I guess people don't realize that these are our children. How could we trade them? Not to mention that doing so would put our dossier way back to first legal... Mine were twenty mo when we chose them and turn four next month. I do grieve for all the lost moments as you do. Hang in there.
I wish there was something I could do or say to ease your pain! Having never been through this I'm at a loss. Just know Mama is here when you need me!♥
My heart is aching with you, even though I don't know you....I know EXACTLY how you feel....there are no words to explain to anyone not on this journey what it is like to know there is a little person growing up without you holding them in your arms, wondering how many tears you will cry until you can hold them and not have to let go. Praying that the diversions sustain you until the day the news finally arrives....I'll be waiting with you in spirit! And know that precious Joshua was chosen for your family, he will always be your "baby"... we will experience firsts with these children just like they are babies...when they are home.
That is the absolute hardest part...that we are missing out on precious moments in their lives. It breaks my heart to know we'll never get those days back. Call me selfish but I want to see her grow from an infant to a toddler, learn her first words, etc.
Anyway, I do trust in God and know He is in control but I struggle with knowing why He would want our little ones to be without loving homes for this long. It doesn't make sense to me. That's what I am struggling with. Why, God would not the little ones with their families as soon as possible...not years later. But, I do not have those answers and maybe it will all make sense in the long run!
Hang in there...something has to give!
Cyber hug. This time is SOOO hard and there are just times that it is too much to wrap our minds/hearts around. What a roller coaster ride, eh? The highest highs and the lowest lows! I hope you will get great news and get a charge of the highest highs very soon.
Much love!
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