My Heart Aches...

Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a desire fulfilled is a tree of life.

Proverbs 13:12

deferred -- postponed or delayed, suspended or withheld for or until a certain time or event: a deferred payment; deferred taxes.

webster's dictionary

I have much to take joy in. I really do. My salvation, my husband and family, God's constant care and provision for me...for us.

I'm not gonna lie, though. These days are becoming increasingly hard to bear. Dark, even. I feel like Frodo with the ring in my pocket. It's always there, I want nothing more than to get rid of it, and yet it's mine to carry, constantly tempting me to become doubtful, fretful, and horribly sad. I cried myself to sleep last night. I woke up wishing I could just go back to sleep. One of the ironies in this is that I do get up. I do go forward. His mercies are new every morning. I have to get up. But that dull ache...it's still there. It's always there. I have never hurt like this.

Delays and unwise decisions and actions continue to plague what's called "adoption in Haiti." We've not had an update since the beginning of February (and technically that was our January update.) We only know that we need to add a couple of names to our power of attorney, so we signed off on that and dropped it off today. I'm thankful for the distraction of coming days, but as a year since our referral approaches......there aren't really words to describe how it feels to long to mother a baby boy that's growing up without his momma.