True Confessions of a Wannabe

I like to bake. I like to cook. But the sorry truth of the matter is.....I always seem to have a....hum....what's the word....experience. Yeah! Experience. Everyone else is soooo much better at it than I am. It's ridiculous. I don't ever hear about THEIR experiences. I just experience MINE. My Mom can post on her blog...her happy little ingredients that turn out some happy little bread. My friend Tara, she can post on her blog. She even has a recipe blog. Good gravy. Beautiful recipes, excellent experiences in the kitchen. That Pioneer Woman. Now SHE can get it going, let me tell you. She makes it all look easy peasy. My friend-so-long-she's-practically-my-sister, Cristina....she's been crankin' out new recipes all week long. With NARY a trouble.

Me??? All I wanted was a Coconut Custard Pie. Like Granny makes. Minus the meringue. The recipe looked delightful and exactly what I was imagining in my mind. Plus, it's out of Everyday Food, fully approved by Martha Stewart herself.

I should have known not to go there when I spent 45 minutes looking for the flippin' coconut milk at Wal-Monster last night. It was a sign. I should have just let memories be memories. But noooooo. I was determined. I'm SO Stubborn.

SO. I skip the basic pie crust and used a store bought one...but it shrinks while it bakes. I'm whisking, whisking, whisking the custard mix and realize it's supposed to be refrigerated, not baked...and I can tell it's NOT going to be like Granny used to make. Oh no! They want me to immediately put the custard into a sieve! WHAT in tarnation is a sieve????? Skip that. Whatever. I mean, if I don't know what a sieve is, than maybe noone will no that it wasn't sieved.

Ok. Custard officially poured into shrunken great value pie shell. I'm already disappointed knowing what I want to taste and not being sure of what I will taste. I'm supposed to chill the pie. Meanwhile, I thought I would toast the coconut for the topping. That way, when I serve my pathetic little pie later, I can just drop it on no problem. Decide to multitask. Broil coconut, wash dishes.

DID YOU JUST READ THAT???? Let me repeat. BROIL COCONUT, WASH DISHES.

Don't ever do that. It will make you want to stop, drop, and roll.

My poor coconut.

When the oven cools down from the disaster, I will gingerly toast my coconut once more...no broil. Just warmth. But see what I mean???? I'm just not very skilled with anything out of the ordinary. Mom, do you remember the taco shells? I totally needed Papaw to come save me from the coconut today. Yes, folks, I have a history. A history of multitasking which results in flames licking out of the oven. Today, I thought I would throw some water in there. Oh. Bad idea. Avery ran away. Like, out the door.

You talented people out there.....I salute you. You go. Will you just feed me occasionally? That will do. Just have me over to eat your perfectly made food. It will make me feel better.

And just for your own personal knowledge, coconut milk may be found in the oriental food section at Wal-Monster.