A Month Ago, A World Away...

I've struggled with composing this post and just putting it out there, if you will.  I know that my darkest moment in the aftermath of the earthquake is nothing. NOTHING. compared to those who were on the ground in Haiti when the earth began to violently tremble.  I will always know that.  I've been reading blog posts of those recounting their experiences and nightmares...what they've seen, felt, heard, smelled.  I can not begin to imagine.  To be quite honest, I'm glad I don't know.  I don't mean that coldly, but I am human.  I'm quite certain that there is noone in Haiti or that experienced the earthquake that preferred for it to happen to them and are glad they experienced it. 

I've just now begun to allow myself to read the posts.  Study the photographs.  Watch the discovery channel documentary.  Listen to Anderson Cooper (though not always agreeing with Anderson Cooper).  It's taken a bit for me.  The sorrow of it all is overwhelming. 

But, for my son, and for myself, I have decided to document those days here.  Soon, I plan to create a family blog, but I feel this journal won't be complete without my own feelings/experiences of those days.  When  I print this out later and tuck it away, I want to know that I've gotten it all out.  So please know ahead of time, this isn't my own taste of 'earthquake drama.'  This is for my son.  And even my own healing.  It's difficult.  Tears come even now.  So, moving on....

January 12, 2010

Tuesday was uncommonly peaceful.  I was excited to have a couple of ladies over for tasty coffee, and I even threw together a PW Cobbler to serve them.  It had been so long since I fellowshiped with these particular ladies!  They finally arrived and my children kept up with their little ones as we enjoyed our treats and had wonderful conversation.  The time ended too quickly, but we all remarked on how peaceful it all was.  Looking back, I see that God gave me a calm moment before the storm.  How kind He is. 

I really felt that before I let these ladies go, we needed to end our time in prayer for all that had been mentioned.  As one prayed, she specifically prayed for God to keep Joshua safe.  I remember having the fleeting thought of how interesting it was that she prayed for him to be safe.  Most people just pray for him to come home soon!  This prayer would come back to me very deeply when the sun went down. 

The day flowed on and soon I was over the stove frying homemade fishsticks.  Steve came home, and was trying to steal a fishstick when his cell phone rang.  It was his boss/friend, calling to ask if he had heard about the earthquake in PaP.  He said no, boss shared some sketchy details, and they hung up.  It didn't hit me right away.  I stepped over to my computer, looked it up, it was true, and it was HUGE.  From there, things get truly blurry. 

I remember desperately searching through a mound of paper trying to find a number to contact our Haitian director, which didn't make sense, I could have looked it up on-line.  Before I knew it, I was crying, and Steve was just holding me up.   My groans became prayers and desperate questions to God. 

The rest of the evening was a lot of pacing, shaking, and praying.  I remember falling to the floor with my bible in my bedroom, face first, pleading with God to give us some sort of hope.  Even asking Him to help me love Him if this journey took us on a path we would rather not tread.  Desperate. 

The phone began to ring off the hook and Steve fielded the calls and texts as I just lay on the bed.  Praying.  Sis joined me at one point, asking hard questions, causing me to give hard but gentle answers...so we cried together. 

It was a dark night.  But even then, God knew what He had in store for us as this journey would cause us to grow near to Him.