The Dark Side

There is a dark side to adoption.  I wish I could say that it always feels peachy keen, blessed, remarkable, amazing, and right.  

Instead, it often leaves one feeling confused, angry, hostile, bitter, exhausted, impatient, and tired.  The dark side.

Symptoms of the Dark Side:

  

• Wishing you could toilet paper the embassy...and a few other places.
  

• Wondering where on earth that immature thought came from.
  
  
• Being totally t-o'ed that you had to deal with "adoption" stuff instead of arriving at Grandma's house and totally enjoying a sausage ball.  Because you were hungry.  But the "adoption" stuff has taken over your life.  It won't even let you enjoy you're stupid sausage ball.  Darn it.
  
  
• You've had another "soak your pillow in excessive snot and tears" night and you wake up with nasty, puffy eyes.  Yuck.
  
  
• You've blamed your husband.  Yeah.  He fixes everything.  Why can't he fix this?  And HE WISHES he could.  But, you're having a moment and you need someone to blame.  So, you throw a 'zinger' as Meg Ryan and Tom Hanks would say, and it is totally mean.  And he knows you don't mean it.  So he rubs your back until you finally fall asleep on your snot covered pillow.  Disgusting. 
  
  
• You worry yourself sick.  Literally.  Strep throat...UTI's, strained muscles...all symptoms of a bigger problem. 
  
  
• You become a customer service FREAK of NATURE.  You demand it.  Because, by jingies, you WILL. HAVE. IT.  Some point of your life WILL have decent customer service.  So, watch out retail associates, fast food workers, telephone service reps, and the like.  You really don't want to see/hear  me coming.  Because I will expect that you should know what you're doing.  And if you don't, I'll vocalize it.  It's an outlet.
   
• I know that as a Christian, my sin is covered by Christ's righteousness, because I surely know I got NOTHING.  But, as with many things in the Christian walk, adoption does not automatically qualify you as some super Christian.  Oh. No.  It can be totally ugly.  And to repent only to see it rear it's ugly head again MINUTES later.  Oi. 
  
  
  THIS is the DARK SIDE.  It's real.  If you are experiencing these things, know that you are normal.  If you are experiencing these things to an excessive degree, you are adopting from Haiti.  I'd bet money on it. 
  
  I'm just glad I serve a God that's bigger than the force.  I totally need Him.  And no matter how dark the day, I know that He has every single detail of this adoption planned out.  Even if, by our standards, things go horribly wrong.  Someday, though I can't quite see it now, it will all seem quite beautiful and even needful, to make me more like Christ. 
   
  But right now, I just feel like Darth Vader.  On a bad day.