Being Real....

So, I guess this will be my first "this is not all a bed of roses" type post. I'll try to refrain from having them too terribly much. I'm actually feeling better today, hence I'm able to post about it. I would hate to ever mislead anyone into thinking adoption is easy. It is NOT. EASY. I would venture to say that being pregnant (which I've been twice) is much easier, even on the hardest days. Your infant is tucked away safe inside of you. You're doing every thing you can to make sure your infant is safe. Adoption, in particular one that you must wait so long on, is the very opposite.

This "adoption pregnancy" is way different. WAY different. You know going into it that it's going to be difficult. But throw in that you're adopting from a third world, impoverished, hungry, lacking, hurricane pelted country. Your mother instincts go into overtime. You spend lots of precious energy thinking on things you've never thought of before. Dengue Fever. Malaria. Antibiotics. Clean water. Flooding. Riots. The Aftermath. Dead animals floating down the street. Courts...will they ever open again? Knowing that adoptions probably aren't priority right now....hungry, drowning people are. How selfish am I?

This is just a peek into what plagues my mind recently. This is the path we are on. Things that used to be just the makings of a bad dream. It's reality and dreams all in one. I can't tell you the number of times I've cried out this week, WHAT was I thinking? How are we going to get through this? What if the outcome is very, very bad?

Any time a question starts with what if, I should really get a clue that I'm giving way to sin.

God works ALL things for our good. Ultimately, I don't have to know the outcome. I just need to know that God loves me. He loves Joshua. He loves the perishing, hungry of Haiti. I have a little bit of an idea of the depths of my sinful heart, and knowing what I know, I'm confident that I don't deserve ANY good thing from His hand, and yet He daily provides. He will continue to provide. On the days that I weakly cling to Him, I know that His hand isn't weak. He has a wonderful grip on me. He wants to be my strong tower.

Another important thing and I'll close:

It's ok to love Joshua. It's OK to LOVE Joshua. I've really struggled with this over the past week. Struggling that my kids are already attached to his picture and call him their brother. We aren't even out of IBESR. We could be denied! Something could happen to him! The list goes on and on.... God is making all of us more like Him as we walk this path. Joshua is in no safer hands and the LORD has ordained his steps. The LORD has ordained our steps. Right now, our steps are to watch and pray, watch and pray for this little one the Lord has brought into our lives, even though he's so far away. If that means our hearts swell with love for him along the way, praise GOD. Only God could do a work like He's done in our hearts up to this time.

Blessed be the Name Of the LORD!